How to annoy your readers
Most writing advice tells you how to charm and convince your readers.
Here I’m going to show you how to annoy the hell out of them instead.
My guide comes from over 20 years of copywriting and helping aspiring writers on the tricky art of storytelling.
So, if you want your words to work as hard as you do, just do the opposite of everything that follows.
Write in code
Why be clear when you can be confusing?
Pepper buzzwords and jargon liberally throughout your writing, until no one has a clue what you mean.
Here’s some examples:
Implementing eco-centric operational models promotes carbon footprint reduction and circular economy alignment.
Translation: We work in a way that’s better for the environment.
Utilising gastronomic innovation pipelines ensures flavour profile consistency across product lines.
Translation: We create recipes, so every product tastes consistently good.
We have strategically aligned on the proposed proposal and fully endorse the execution pathway
Translation: Yes.
One version sounds nonsensical, the translation communicates clearly and quickly.
Build paragraph mountains
Do you want to torture your readers? Write a single sentence that’s so long, by the time they reach the end they’ve forgotten where it started.
Think dense, turgid blocks of text that feels like wading through treacle.
If you want people to finish reading what you’ve written, break things up. Use white space, short sentences, and simple words.
Write headlines that overpromise
“YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS!”
You might get clicks but if your main content doesn’t deliver, readers feel tricked. Once the trust is gone, so is your audience.
If you want to really annoy your readers, try clickbait headlines like these:
1. She ate only pies for 30 days, what happened next will shock you
2. He opened a mysterious box – you won’t believe what was inside
3. This one weird habit could make you rich overnight
4. You’ll never guess what’s hiding under your bed right now
5. The secret trick to waking up without an alarm
6. Scientists are furious about this common household item
7. Lose 10 pounds in 24 hours – doctors hate this method
8. She said nothing for 10 days – here’s what happened next
9. The hidden trick airlines don’t want you to know
10. I tried living like a billionaire for a week – guess what happened?
While I had fun writing these, they all promise more than they deliver. That’s likely to annoy your reader. Accuracy beats hype every time.
Talk about yourself (endlessly)
“LOOK AT ME!”
Sharing expertise is fine but if every line shouts ‘me, me, me!’ your audience will tune out. Offer value first, and let your credibility do the selling for you.
Readers care about what they get, not your nonstop monologue. Leave that for your autobiography.
Repeat yourself. Repeat yourself. And repeat
Repetition is tedious.
Take this sentence. “We’re committed to excellence. Excellency is our focus. Our excellence drives excellent results. Excellence is in everything we do. We excel, we’re exceptionally excellent, and we deliver excellentness.”
Saying something once is powerful. Saying it twice can underscore the point. Saying it seven different ways in one paragraph is infuriatingly boring.
More tricks to annoy your readers
Juggle tenses. Tomorrow, I reviewed my client feedback and last week I will try the changes.
Ignore typos. Errors make even brilliant ideas look amateur.
Overuse exclamation marks!!! Nothing screams professional like constant, booming shouting!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mess with formatting. Random CAPITALS, bold, italics. Underline and cross through. This is enough to make a mild-mannered reader’s blood boil.
Sound like AI. Use predictable and annoying phrases like: here’s the catch; the result?; let’s dive in, and the truth is. My all-time favourite to hate is here’s the kicker. Read my blog about this.
If your words confuse, overwhelm, or frustrate your readers will disappear. So, if you want to keep your audience be clear, be human, and respect their time.
Need help with your content or crafting messages? Whether it's polishing existing copy or writing something new, do get in touch. I’d love to help!